No alcohol – Days 1 to 6

I left my previous trial unfinished. I did continue recording my expenses for a while, and then I stopped doing it- and it’s stressful not to do it. Don’t know why I don’t do it- can’t explain. Anyway, that’s not the issue here today.

I mentioned a couple of times that I would like to go for an alcohol drought for 30 days to see what happens. This trial has been and is an utter disappointment on most counts.

I thought that not drinking would make me feel energetic in the morning. That I would get up fresh and motivated to embrace my new day. It’s been the exact opposite: it takes me more time to wake up than mornings when I am hungover. I am not willing to get out of bed.

I thought my head will feel healthy; instead I’ve had strong headaches, that have been unbearable at times.

I thought that I would spend less money, but a Perrier or a Diet Coke is just as expensive as a 25cl of beer, if not more.

I thought I would gain more thought clarity; instead, I feel that my head and my entire body are enveloped in a thick foam. I feel disconnected from the rest of the world, and I have lost the sense of what is going on around me.

Two positive points:

  • I thought I would stop having fun around people, and actually, I am having as much fun with people as if I was drinking to get tipsy or drunk.
  • I did it because I wanted to be able to control my actions, and I’ve been able to do that (except when it comes to food, but that’s nothing new; and I guess it’s about one problem at a time)

Re: the negative outcome; it all boils down to the fact that after 3 days of not drinking, depression slapped me hard. It was like a cold shower after spending an entire day at a tropical beach. After 5 months of happiness, I have started to feel  like last summer, when I was blogging about my negative thoughts. Today, I am wondering whether it was a good idea to do this trial, whether it was the right decision.

It made me conscious about how escapist my alcohol consumption was- and staring at reality is not a pleasant experience after avoiding it for a while.

Anyway, I am still convinced that I can adapt to -and survive- anything. So I haven’t lost my will and my energy, and I guess I’m going to fight through this.

“Cette vipère, ma vipère, dûment étranglée, mais partout renaissante, je la brandis encore et je la brandirai toujours, quel que soit le nom qu’il te plaise de lui donner : haine, politique du pire, désespoir ou goût du malheur ! Cette vipère, ta vipère, je la brandis, je la secoue, je m’avance dans la vie avec ce trophée, effarouchant mon public, faisant le vide autour de moi. Merci, ma mère ! Je suis celui qui marche, une vipère au poing.”

Hervé Bazin – Vipère au Poing


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