No Alcohol – Day 11

Went for a “drink” with a friend tonight (i.e., I went to a bar but didn’t drink alcohol). I’m starting to get a little bored of Perrier and Diet Coke. Over the week end, juice bars were mentioned to me, and I immediately thought about the ones I saw in Australia, and I heard about entrepreneurs trying to launch the juice bar concept in Paris. But then I remembered tonight that there is actually a chain of bar that has existed for years in Paris, and that only serve fruit juices. They are called “Paradis du Fruit”. I’ve always avoided that place because I couldn’t get a beer in it. Now I guess that is where I will have my next social time out.

I don’t know if this is completely related to the fact that we weren’t drinking, but the conversation I had with my friend really gained in quality tonight. It’s usually very high with her, but tonight, it definitely went a step above.

Some moments in the evening, I was stuck in my own thoughts, and I don’t know if that has any relation to the trial. My mind has been overactive for the past week, and thus my thoughts sometimes take off on their own, making me leave temporarily the person who’s physically present with me.

I know I was saying I was depressed in the first days of the trial, because of reality slapping me hard. Today, I wouldn’t say I am depressed, but I am at a state of confusion on many levels. I feel that the only thing I have in my life, the only thing I am hanging on to, are the 200 words a day I am putting into writing my book, and that I have done without failing since this summer, since I first talked about it on this blog. As I write this, I think this might be considered as offensive by my family, by my friends, by all the great people who surround me, with whom I have been blessed to interact with in the past few months, but also in all my life. But in the world as I see it now, everything is just so dark, that this book, those little 200 words a day, feel like the only ray of light that bring me enough warmth to make me think that something is worth fighting for. All right- maybe I am still a little depressed.

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