No Alcohol – Days 15 & 16

So far so good. Looks like this trial is shaping up as well as the 100% success trial. Been unfailingly keeping my resolution.

I wrote the day 14 post before going to bed at 10 pm. Turned out I slept from 10:15 to 10:45, then was wide awake, took the resolution to watch a Woody Allen movie at midnight, and fell asleep around 1:30 am. I must say that I haven’t been sleeping well; at least, the alcohol made me drowsy and I always fell asleep quickly.


So much for being clear-headed: last night I forgot my card in an ATM machine, with an open session still going on. Somebody could have taken loads of cash. No withdrawal currently shows, but I have to wait until Monday to be sure ! I’m really not happy about that.

Last night, a friend who reads my blog told me he agrees with a lot of things I’m saying but he thinks that I am mixing up the topic of alcohol with a whole lot of other issues that have nothing to do with booze. To a certain extent, I agree with him and often place myself in the reader’s mind who must think: “why on Earth is he talking about this? Why doesn’t he stick to the subject of alcohol?”

Sometimes I feel that those trials are an excuse to keep a diary about what I am going through, and post it online by some kind of exhibitionist impulse. And the 4 trials have had to do with topics in which strong personal feelings get entangled: food, success, money, alcohol. While I agree with my friend that the logical connection is weak between the actual trial and what I am writing in these lines, I don’t see myself writing about these topics without broadening the scope of my blogging.

Talking about food, money, success and now alcohol, has forced me to open some introspective doors on my life, and therefore, it shifts the discussion to other topics. Looking into overeating made me look into why I am doing it. What are the emotions that it implies? Success- what do I consider success? Why is it important to me? How do I self-sabotage myself to bar my own access to it, and how can I leap over obstacles to reach it? Money- what is my attitude towards it? How does the way I spend my money actually expresses the way I am?

And finally, alcohol. N commented yesterday that it is my best trial so far. I agree with her, although I’m not really sure what she meant exactly. I think I am very different from alcoholics. Alcoholics have a physical disease which creates such a strong addiction in their body to this substance, that they need to absorb it more and more, everyday, usually leading them to fail their lives on several levels: job, relationship, family… I don’t suffer from such an addiction. (I do have a body that is extremely sensitive to nicotine, and after I smoked my first cigarette at age 16, I was on a pack a day after only one week. For 10 years, I smoked -at least- 20 cigarettes a day, and only when I was 26 I was able to beat this addiction. But I know that if I have one cigarette, I will go back into this bad habit) I will probably drink alcohol again at some point.

But I do think that in my case, alcohol has acted as a veil that has prevented me from seeing and dealing with emotional issues that make me struggle in my daily life. I should also add that I am seeing a psychologist weekly (who now wants to see me bi-weekly… damn); and that in conjonction to the trial, I bought myself a ticket for an emotional roller-coaster ride; so yeah, a lot of issues addressed here probably have nothing to do with alcohol, and I don’t have a scientific approach to measuring the exact impact of not drinking. This blog probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It should actually have another name, something like: “attempting to fight your demons, 30 days by 30 days” 🙂 But removing the booze has been a little sismic shock in my daily life; it is the one that is having the most impact and therefore I agree with N that this is my most powerful trial so far.

Because my life seems like a conjunction of conflicting forces at the moment, and because I am no longer drinking (which prevents me from faking amusement if I am having a miserable time, and which forces me to look into reality straight in the eyes) I feel like the earth beyong my feet has opened, and that I am in a time where I am deconstructing myself- this keeps me tired during the day, this keeps me awake at night. But like I said in the first post, I still have the conviction that I can survive anything.

Je suis celui qui marche, une vipère au poing!


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