Paul McKenna “I can make you thin” review – Take 2 – Days 13 to 16

This is my second attempt to follow the 4 principles of Paul McKenna “I can make you thin”. These are:

  1. When you are hungry, EAT
  2. EAT WHAT YOU WANT
  3. Eat CONSCIOUSLY and enjoy every mouthful
  4. When You Think You Are Full, STOP Eating

This relates a 30-day-trial experiment of the method.

***

Posting on this blog has become part of my life, and I miss it when I don’t make the time for it. Often, as ideas go through my mind, I think: “I should share that in the blog.”

Passive-aggressive

If you have ever looked at the links on the right of my blog, there is a link to a blog called “passive-aggressive notes.” Seeing a visual manifestation of somebody flipping out of anger usually cracks me up. But I have to admit that mocking it is a way for me to distantiate myself from a person who in my eyes failed at keeping his/her anger for him/herself. Why am I talking about this? because as this Paul McKenna trial has been going well for the past 16 days (“well” as in, I didn’t fail once to follow the principles) it seems that the emotion of anger manifests itself in my mind through pretty aggressive thoughts, and I’m wondering if I’m not developing a case of passive aggressivness.

Today, I got really annoyed at an old granny who took ages to enter the bus, and I was standing behind, and it was hailing outside; I pressed her to hurry up. I got yelled at after, which made me laugh !

I’m not really sure where the anger comes from. For once, it could be the fact that I still have to repress myself from not raiding a candy stand or a cheese shop. I still feel an impulse to overeat and 16 days haven’t been enough yet to make the mental switch I am hoping for. Sometimes, I wondered if overeating wasn’t a way to express a value of freedom. As in eating “as much as I want, and nobody is to dictate what I should or shouldn’t eat” is kind of way to regain power and express my freedom. I wonder if cutting that freedom is partly at the source of some of the aggressive thoughts I’ve had.

But it could be something a bit deeper that I don’t fully understand yet. After all I’m doing some work with a counselor. There was a great comment on my previous no-alcohol trial. A guy said: “you will see how fast you will recover the sensations you had in your childhood.” And I thought: “well, isn’t that exactly what I want to run away from?” And by not stuffing myself with food, I’m going one step further into the exploration of things I avoid. For those who’ve never done it, overeating is very numbing. You don’t feel a thing when your stomach is stuffed to the brim.

Feeling vulnerability

I went to the gym today for the first time in 1,5 months.

Whenever I heard people say: “I’m eating and becoming fat, so that I can protect  myself”, I’d always thought: “cut the bull shit. Being fat doesn’t create an emotional barrier. On the contrary, it’s even harder for your emotions, as people are judgmental of fat people, fat people get less seductive attention, and there is the self-hatred involved too.”

I realized that maybe people meant being fat creates a physical protection. Why did I think that? After my workout I felt weak. Not weak from the exercize, but weak from being slimmer, having a trimmer shape, and it was as if I couldn’t resist if I was physically attacked. Very strange feeling.

Still praising French movies

On a side and more positive note, I’ve got a movie quote calendar on my night table. Most of them aren’t that great, except the one I came accross yesterday. and it’s from a French movie… Hurray for us again ! The movie is called Jules et Jim, directed by François Truffaud.

And the quote says: “Tu m’as dit je t’aime, je t’ai dit attends. J’allais dire prends-moi, tu m’as dit va-t’en.” Which means: “You said I love you, I said wait. I was about to say take me, you said leave.”

Not sure how it sounds in English, but I find it beautiful in French.

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