Archive for the ‘General’ Category

Good-Bye

June 15, 2009

I have come to the decision to end this 30-day-trial blog. I started it at a moment when I felt really down and needed to pick myself up. The purpose was to come back to surface by transforming myself. There were elements of my life that I knew deep inside that I wanted to change: the way I apprehend my own success, my relationships to money, food and alcohol. I thought that along the way, maybe some people could learn from my experiences.

Today, I am happy with what I have achieved, and I feel better emotionally and physically.

My general conclusion to personal development today is that trying to change a habit in your life or to grow is something that contains a strong element of figuring things on your own. Beliefs are often challenged, and I had to adapt my mind to handle the different challenges I have undertaken. Of course, there are support groups, counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists, but the support system around you cannot always be there, and it sometimes feels lonely to grow and change.

The questions that the visitors of my blog search the most on Google before they hit my site is : “how do you eat only when you’re hungry?” and my response is : “you just fucking do it.” You just force yourself until your mind has adapted to it. And that’s what I’m talking about : adapting is hard and feels lonely. Writing this blog made me feel a little less lonely in this process. When I failed, I tried again.

I have decided not to write about my last “secret” 🙂 trial, as I felt that it was so personal that it wouldn’t be relevant to other people.

Growing is not finished. I will not hide that this blog was therapeutic in many ways. I will carry on with the analyst I have been seeing in Paris for a while. With her, I have achieved a higher level of self understanding and progressing further will also take deeper work than 30-day trials.

Writing is not finished either. Two weeks ago, I completed the first draft of my novel… and decided to let it sit for 14 days, before I start editing it. Therefore, I will start that today. Also, because I was afraid that I would lose the habit of writing everyday, I also started the 1st draft of my second novel, which I like better that the first one. My new path is to try and live as a professional writer, and this growing experience requires different ways than doing 30 day trials. I want a blockbuster and before I achieve that, it may require that I write 10 books. And I may never achieve it. But right now, I find great satisfaction into writing every day and putting stories, characters, thoughts and feelings on paper (or on the screen, rather).

I encountered some successes in my experiments, and so the self-development was a success in itself. I also had more readers than I ever had. Of course, it’s nothing compared with the popularity of famous blogs, but considering that I invested very little time to write it, to market it, to improve it, I’m happy with the result. As of today, the site has been hit 8 500 times. I don’t know whether that’s good. But considering it’s just my own life I’m talking about, I’m pretty impressed.

I hope that some of the people out there who are thinking of giving up alcohol, of getting healthier will find some value in reading the thoughts and emotions I went through.

I have ideas for a new blog, so I hope I will find time to start a new one between my novel writing and editing moments 🙂 I’ll keep you posted anyway.

Toodles.

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Update on the secret trial

May 1, 2009

It’s still going 🙂

The 60 000 words threshold

May 1, 2009

A little more than a week ago, I crossed an important threshold : I passed the bar of 60 000 words on my novel.

When I started writing it in August 2008, I started to tell some people about it, and the common question was: “how far are you?” and I didn’t know what to answer, because I don’t know where my story is going. I’ve let complete freedom to my characters and to improvisation.

So I used some MBA skills and I googled “average number of books in a novel” and I found the number 60 000. So after I wrote 6000, I told people: “I’m 10% through”, and “half-way through” after I wrote 30 000 words.

“When do you think you’ll be finished?” people ask me often. And I said: 1st draft cmopleted around mid-April, because this is when I thought I would hit the 60 000 words; and indeed, I hit that number according to my prediction. I’ve got one problem though: the story is not finished at all ! So I don’t know what to tell people anymore.

Another Spam award

April 22, 2009

This one was in my work inbox.

Subject of the email: “Astonish women with that monster inside your jeans

comment spamming

April 21, 2009

if you write a blog, you know that even if you barely have any audience (like mine 🙂 ), you still get comments generated by machines that spam blogs at random in order to get more links to their website and get a better rank in search engine. this is an annoying linking strategy, as you always have to clean regularly your spam filter. I can’t dare to think how many of those the most visited blogs get. So as I did my erasing tonight, I found one comment spam that truly deserves its “palme d’or” of comment spamming. It is totally irrelevant to this blog, makes little effort to fit, and is just… well, judge for yourself. Here is it:

“One of the most important things I found out about colon cleaning is you MUST juice fast for 3-5 days to get the OLD stuff out of your system. Of course clear the fasting with your doctor first.”

!!

A secret trial for 30 days :o

April 20, 2009

so I gave a lot of thoughts about what my next trial should be… I had several ideas, that were very different from each other.

They included :

  • do a writing exercize every day
  • read the international news section of the newspaper every day
  • meet a stranger everyday (this idea was given to me by N)
  • go to the gym everyday
  • put out an intention everymorning and see how much has been magically fulfilled at the end of the trial

But I’ve decided to do something else. And I’m not gonna tell you 🙂

Sorry.

That doesn’t mean I won’t blog about stuff, like movies, or give my comments after watching my expenses during the 30 days of April, or continuing the discussion on eating when you’re hungry if that discussion goes any further.

But for the next 30 days, I’m going to try something, and I don’t want to share it.

At the end of the 30 days, I may or may not decide to talk about it. 🙂 We’ll see…

In response to “A canadian reader”

April 19, 2009

hi… so I finally got some time to sit down and continue the discussion started last week about “how to eat only when you’re hungry.” Wendy, also known as “Canadian Reader” here, posted a long reply to this discussion on her blog, called “the red leather boots syndrome.” Thanks for sharing such an intimate story, and it resonated with me in many different ways.

Since the long term goal of this discussion is to ultimately help people find a positive appreciation of food again, and be able to eat when they’re hungry, and stop eating when they’re not hungry, I’ll share the thoughts that go in that directions.

First of all, good job for opening the can of worms, and digging  out the stuff from the past that may influence your eating habits today. Articles and books that I have read on the topic of being overweight often suggest that this “syndrome” is often rooted in the past, especially childhood. I tend to believe this, and I think I am no exception to this rule. In a way, I envy Wendy to have so much clarity and to have been able to shed such a bright light on how her eating patterns are influenced by the past. In my case, I think this is where I must dig, but I have no clue how the past is influencing me today. Well, I know that it did make me want to be self-destructive, but I do not know the psychological mechanisms at work behind it.

All I know today, is that the past doesn’t need to be fully solved and understood to re-develop a healthy relationship to food. Of course, if it was, I think the challenge would be easy. But I know that I didn’t have to gain full clarity on my background in order to re-develop a healthy relationship to food, and to remove self-destructive behaviours (cf, the non-alcohol 30 day trial)… I even think that because I have removed the means of escapism (and this month, I’m taking care of overspending, and trust me, this is another scary situation that I will tell more about later) I will now be able to work on removing the negative influence of my past on my life today.

The reason why I am saying this, is that for a long time I have thought: “well, until I haven’t figured out the past completely, I will not improve”. And I have discovered that it’s not true. Now that I have accomplished my latest 30 day trial, I know that I am capable of sustaining this way of eating for an extended period of time, and it will take me less effort to go back healhty habits… Today, I have figured out that no matter where I stand, no matter how much clarity I have, I can make steps towards a more positive life, and I can be the artisan of the kind of existence that appeals to me more.

the feel good moment of the day

April 15, 2009

Courtesy of N, in her blog, the N files.

I thought it was appropriate since the last post was about trying to make a dream come true.

Here it is.

what next?

April 15, 2009

I am not sure what my next trial should be. So far, I have blogged mainly about the topics of physical health, career and finances. In parallel to following the “I can make you thin” method, I have also (finally) made a budget with the challenge to follow it… It’s been 14 days (I started on April 1st), but I didn’t feel like writing about it, because apart from: “oh it sucks, I couldn’t go to the restaurant today, because I’m watching my expenses,” there isn’t much else. The one positive feeling is that I feel in control, again. And I hope it’ll last.

So right now, I want to put myself in cruise mode, see if I am able to follow the “eat when/only if I’m hungry” rule and follow a budget so that I get in better shape physically and financially. Thing is, I think I am addicted to this blogging thing. My posts have become longer, and I invest more time and energy into it. I’ve started a public brainstorm/conversation with readers (and I hope it will catch on) and so I don’t see myself stopping it now.

Also, I don’t feel like starting another blog, because it’s the 4th one I start, and this time, I seem to have committed to it much more than the others. I think that ultimately, I will end this blog when I go on to other adventures, because I think I have more to offer than try things for 30 days… but it’s good at the moment.

The one big move that I dream to make in my life is to become a professional fiction writer. So I feel like I want my next trial to help me make a step in that direction. I have been writing on my novel 1st draft every day (I am more committed to the novel than I am to this blog, because I write on the novel script every single day, and I don’t follow the same discipline with blogging). So writing everyday helps becoming a better writer, but I am sure I could commit to some writing exercizes that I would publish here and that would make me a shraper writer. Like write a new portrait everyday for 30 days. Or write a new landscape description, a new object description everyday for 30 days… I don’t know. A new erotica story everyday would probably get me readers 😉

It’s scary because I fear it would expose myself to judgement; and by writing something every single day, there is not a lot of time for editing, improving, etc. But I guess that if this is what I want…

Happy Easter !

April 12, 2009